So it's happening. This is a reality. I have a kid with cancer and this is our new life. We discuss platelet counts, ANC, and PICC line flushing at the table now like it's basic dinner conversation.
Last week, Thursday to be exact... 3 days ago... I had a breakdown. A literal nervous breakdown. The scary, I can't breath, and I might actually be having a heart attack breakdown. I was moments away from calling it quits and heading for the hills. Only 3 days ago and yet it feels like another lifetime ago. I reached out, which isn't always what I feel comfortable doing. I texted friends who are local, and asked for help. I didn't know then what I needed, but I knew I did not want to be a crying, slobbering mess alone.
"Please come lay next to me while I cry."
Or something like that. And you know what? A friend did come over, and I just laid there, and I cried.
I also texted a friend who is one of my surrogate mothers. She has gone through hell and back, a couple of times. One of her trips through hell also included having a child with cancer. Her love and support, and the practical advice she has for me, has been invaluable.
So I am trying to see the positive things that have happened because of this really shitty thing my family is going through. Trying to remain grateful. Attempting to live in the moment, and be glad to be here, in this moment.
1. I've learned how to ask.
2. I'm learning how to say no.
3. My co-parenting skills with my ex-husband are on fleek.
4. My younger kids can see us go through this shitty, hard thing, and yet we still laugh.
5. The amount of love and support we are getting from so many people, even complete strangers... is humbling.
Tomorrow we go back to Lurie's Childrens Hospital, and she will have her Day 22 Chemo. Then the Monday after that is our very important, scary important, Day 29 - the bone marrow, lumbar puncture, MRD test day.... the day when we will know how she is responding to treatment. (Well it will actually take a few days to get the results, but you know what I mean.) So while I am so very proud of Abigail and our family for making it through Induction (almost there gang!), I am still so scared that it's not working.
Every time I flush her line, each time she is nauseated or has a headache, and after we endured the painful day of shaving her head... I can't help but ask myself, "Is this working; is this worth it?" Because if it's not working, then what are we doing? I'm letting them give my baby girl poison, over and over, deadly poison that makes her sick, causes her hair to fall out, ulcerates her mouth and throat, and you know what, this better fucking work and it better fucking be worth it.
