You need to stay strong.
You need to pace yourself.
You need to ask for help.
You need to eat.
You need to sleep.
You need to just be a mom and not a nurse practitioner.
You need to ask questions.
You need to have hope.
You need to not hover over her.
All of this is true; I really need to do/be/say/feel all of the above. But I am getting tired of being told what I need to do/be/say/feel. I know everyone is well-meaning, people are good and kind at their core, and no one really knows what to say. But sometimes I get tired of it. Sometimes I get tired. Period.
Yesterday I was tired. It is physically and emotionally draining for me to take her to the Children's Hospital. This week was better though.
Our nurse practitioner at Children's, Maureen, is growing on me. I feel like she listens to me. She read me the results of her CBC and my instincts were that her counts were falsely high due to dehydration. I asked for a BMP and while they don't normally order them for routine chemo days, she did it anyway. Abigail was dry! She got a fluid bolus right then and there, and Maureen ordered fluids for home that I can give her at night to keep her hydrated and to keep her home from the hospital.
This morning when I got up at 7am Abigail was making herself breakfast and she asked if we could go to the school today so she could find her locker and get ready for her first day tomorrow. WHAT THE WHAT? She has totally perked up from the fluids. It really is amazing to me what dehydration looks like in young people and how fast it happens. I emailed Maureen and asked if we could hold the fluids tonight and if I need to restart them this week, I would like to reduce to 1.5x maintenance (she had her on 2x maintenance last night).
She replied in 20 minutes. She wrote:
I trust your judgement.
I think this might be the first time I've heard that in the past 3 weeks from a medical professional. It was definitely the first time I heard it and believed someone meant it. Maybe I am starting to trust myself. Maybe I'm allowing myself to trust them.
