Bittersweet

One of today's most difficult moments... so far... because you know it's only 1:45 pm... is seeing the families and children return to say "Hi" and all the staff cheering and welcoming them.

It's hard because I want to be them.

I want to be through with this shit.  I want my daughter to be healthy and well.  I want her to be dressed up and feeling her best.  I want her to have color in her cheeks and to not be wearing a mask.

I want to be the mom who does not have bags under her eyes and is wearing the same bra for four days.

Anyway, maybe I'm being selfish.

We just found out that Abigail will get another new medication to suppress her period because if she were to have her cycle it would be dangerous.  Her platelets are back down to 15.  Her ANC is 170.  She has no immune system.

We went for a walk on the unit today and I heard a man coughing and hacking.  I literally wanted to commit murder right then and there.  I wanted to punch him in the throat and kick him in the balls.  And I wanted to scoop Abigail up and run with her in my arms back to her room and slam the door.

Instead I glared at him, and escorted her to her room where I squirted hand sanitizer all over both of us.